Effects of Being Raised by an Alcoholic Parent.

This is a guest post by a lovely lady Almany Parsons. She is from Florida and currently a stay home mom with her 2 sweet girls and teaches online for VIPKID. She has a great knowledge in Psychology so I thought why not use it for a good purpose.

Almany Parsons from https://exhausta-mom.com/

Growing Up with an Alcoholic as a parent: I thought I was okay.

What is it like growing up with an alcoholic parent?

When you grow up with an alcoholic, you don’t always realize that this is not what it’s like for other children.  You don’t realize that you’re being raised by an alcoholic and that it will impact you for the rest of your life.  You don’t realize, that this is not “normal”.

I remember being shocked when I went to a friend’s house and they actually sat down together to eat, and the adults had sweet tea to drink instead of beer. 

I remember my grandmother having to write a note to my 5th grade teachers, explaining that I was not able to finish my homework the night before because my mother had drunk herself into a drunken rage and we had to lock ourselves in the garage.  That day, we watched movies in class.  As a child, this was fun but as an adult, I look back and wonder if just maybe it had something to do with that note.

As I got older, so many people told me what a great job I was doing despite my mother.  I had straight A’s and was on track to go to college – despite my mother.  I had stayed out of trouble – despite my mother. 

When older adults talk about me even now, it’s always “You’ve overcome so much. I’m so surprised you’ve achieved as much as you have even with all you’ve been through.”

They made it sound like I had survived my childhood and was thriving! They made it sound like I had not been affected by the toxic stress I was exposed to on a daily basis.  They made it sound like I was okay.  AND I BELIEVED THEM. 

I graduated with honors. I went to college.  I got married and had 2 beautiful daughters.  We own our home and do not struggle financially.  I do not struggle with mental illness or depression.  I don’t do drugs.  I’m not involved with the law. 

I am not the stereotype of an addict’s child.  So, I must be okay, right?

What happens to children raised by an alcoholic parent?

 It wasn’t until I was finishing up my bachelor’s degree and taking a class called “Substance Abuse and Mental Health” that I realized, I was incredibly affected by my childhood.  I had always taken so much pride in being successful through everything that had been thrown at me. But, suddenly I was learning that everything I struggled with was a direct result of growing up with my alcoholic mother.

Children raised by an alcoholic parent tend to display similar characteristics and personality traits later in adulthood.  These may include:

Avoiding Conflict – Individuals raised by alcoholics often mistake assertiveness or forms of authority as aggressive and avoid any confrontation in general because of this. After being surrounded by this 24/7 as a child it is easy to come to a pro at avoiding conflict as an adult.

Fear of Losing Control – Growing up with an alcoholic can be a world of chaos and one way that an individual may cope is by controlling the few aspects of their lives that they are able to influence.  This may be other people’s emotions or behaviors, their laundry or even the food that they eat.  There is a constant fear that is they lose control, their lives could become even more chaotic. 

Constant Approval Seeking – Spending an entire childhoodbeing sensitive to their alcoholic caregiver’s emotions often translates intobeing oversensitive to other’s emotions as well.  This leads to fear that someone else may feeluncomfortable because of their own behaviors or image.  The opinions of others are what shape theirself-esteem. 

Difficulty Relaxing/Poor Coping Skills – It is difficult to let go of control and expose their non-perfect vision of themselves; especially when others are watching. Healthy coping skills are not modeled for childrenraised by an alcoholic and they will continue to use poor coping skills intoadulthood.  This can lead to chronicstress and overreaction to change. 

Low Self-Esteem – It is no secret that children of any addict typically harbor low self-esteem. This loops back to the need to seek constant approval and other’s opinions playing such a role on their self-image.

Difficulties with Intimacy – After being lied to and deceived by an alcoholic repeatedly throughout childhood, it can be difficult to trust another individual as many other healthy relationships may have.  It is also difficult to let down the guard that has been put up to prevent disappointment. 

Obsessive Behaviors – It is not uncommon for an individual to obsess over minor things in an attempt to distract themselves from the bigger things happening in their lives – this is especially true for adults who were raised by alcoholics.

Physical Illness – Stress can take a large toll on an individual’s body. This can cause long-term damage for children whoexperiencing this stress during the prime times of their development.  Adults who were raised by alcoholiccaregivers also may lack positive coping skills and as a result use food,drugs, or other unhealthy ways to cope. This often leads to physical illness in adulthood.

Overreaction to Outside Changes – The desires to have control over their world in combination with unhealthy coping skills leads to overreaction to changes that they are not able to control.

That day in my “Substance Abuse and Mental Health” class, I realized that my entire childhood had shaped who I was.  I was directly affected even though all this time I thought I wasn’t.

All of a sudden, it made sense that I was not able to decide to make a big purchase without talking it through with 5 different people and making sure they all agreed it was a good decision.

It made sense that hospitalization of a family member was something I could handle emotionally but the change in last minute plans could cause a panic attack. 

It made sense that I obsessed over planning a dinner or what kind of car to buy and often struggled to make a final decision. 

Instead of developing healthy coping skills and a strong sense of self – as an adult, I am learning the skills I need to overcome many of the anxieties that have become me. 

I realized, that I was in fact largely impacted by my childhood and it was a part of who I was. 

But that is okay; I am okay. 

If you are a child of an alcoholic parent, what are some ways that you have been able to overcome the long-lasting effects of being raised by an addict?

My Point of View

I was in awe after reading this. Well, I would love to know your thoughts too, below in comment box.

Hope to see you soon. Till then Stay Safe and Take Care.

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Psychopaths are EVERYWHERE

Psychopaths are everywhere. Many are violent criminals but many more are not. You can find them everywhere: in the office next door, at school, or while dating. They are EVERYWHERE.

A psychopath is defined as someone who inflicts pain, misery and sometimes death on others with no conscience or empathy. No one knows exactly what causes psychopathy. Psychopathy is also sometimes known as psychopathic personality disorder and is considered a mental illness. As with mental illness in general, there is no known cure for psychopathy.

In short, psychopaths are predators, and we are prey, and they feel as much compassion and empathy for others as wolves feel for sheep. They lie, manipulate, bully, and seduce to get what they want, caring nothing for those they trample in the process. Given these characteristics, it’s no wonder that even non-violent psychopaths leave a trail of shattered lives in their wakes. They are the unscrupulous coworker who plays the boss, takes credit for your work, and stabs you in the back with a smile. The charmer who moves in with a girlfriend, sucks her dry financially, and then cruelly spits her out and moves on. Emotionally leaves a person dead by mentally torturing them and then pretend to be victims.

So what can you do to identify a psychopath?

First, it’s important to understand how psychopaths operate, so you don’t think you’re imagining things when a charming, harmless-looking colleague acts in a more ruthless and unscrupulous manner than you could otherwise possibly imagine. And the more you know about yourself—your vulnerabilities and your potential value to whomever might attempt to use you—the better off you’ll be. Also, judge people by their actions, not their words. For example, does a romantic partner promise you riches while constantly borrowing your money? Finally, get second opinions. A psychopath who wants to use you will find a way to win you over, but may show more of his or her true self to your friends and colleagues. If you get repeated warnings that the person you’re dealing with isn’t what he or she seems, consider investigating further.

As population densities increase and tensions rise, society is increasingly vulnerable to those who are utterly ruthless and without conscience. While there are no easy answers when it comes to the psychopaths among us, the better we can understand what makes a psychopath tick, the better we can protect ourselves from the destructive impact of this condition.

That’s all for this week. See you next week until then Stay Safe and Take Care.

For references you can also visit www.physiciansnews.com & www.scienceofpeople.com

Picture and article copyright: http://withlovemoni.com

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Stereotypes about working women: A Personal Experience.

I was going through an article on www.youthkiawaaz.com, that what are the stereotypes about working women, two points caught my eyes because I can relate to them. Which are:

1: Women With Ambitions Are Somehow Of Bad Character And Attract Unnecessary Attention From Men.

2: Careers For Women Are Also Pre-defined – Teaching, Nursing, Medical Doctors. Not Acceptable – Journalism, TV, Field Reporting, Etc.

Well in my case I am from a small town in West Bengal. I don’t stay at my hometown anymore because of my career.
In 2017 in the same hometown of mine I started facing some issues regarding bank, so I asked for help from an almost influential person. Whereas, when it came to the solution of that problem the person whom I approached ofcourse told everyone he was helping me because I was spotted with him on our way to the bank.

He couldn’t help obviously. So I gave up on him. On the very next day he called me up and then used these words, “Women are not fit enough for journalism and tv” (I used to work in a channel at that point of time) and he didn’t help me because that could have affected his family’s reputation. I didn’t answer him back because I didn’t want to get into any argument. Later on, on my gutts I solved that issue.

After some days he texted and apologised for his words.

Later on he started discussing my work related stuff with me.

One fine day he told me “Ladies who work don’t have a good character and you can easily sleep with people to reach somewhere”. I replied with a smiling smiley and blocked him from everywhere. Tbh that day, I wanted to break his face. Because during my entire career it was known by people who worked with me that I had been a hard worker.

Well, to be straight forward enough, ladies don’t need to sleep around to reach somewhere. That is what some people don’t understand due to their cheap mentality.

There are more stereotypes. If you have male friends, you don’t have a character. You work late at night you are characterless. These issues are not only faced by ladies in cities but small town girls mostly face it.

Many girls from my hometown or other small towns come to me till date with same issue which they face in their area because these girls dared to work in a challenging field. Some are my juniors. Some know me somehow.

Only suggestion which I have always given and I still give is: An empty mind is devil’s workshop and people who are unable to achieve anything will always criticise you.
There are two major reasons for their way of thinking these stuff are: either they never had a working lady in a challenging field at home or they couldn’t take advantage of you.
In my case it was the second thing.
Ladies never let these people get into your mind. If you are truly careeristic ignore it. Your career should matter to you not what these people say.

It’s your life be daring enough to take your own decisions and fight for it. Because ladies always remember you are worth it.

Read article

Stereotypes about working women

Take care.

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Rabindranath Tagore

Rabindranath Tagore, some have heard and read about him some have not. Last week was his birthday. He was born in Calcutta on 7th May 1861 and died on 7th August 1941 in Calcutta. He was a Proud Indian He was a Writer, song composer, playwright, essayist, painter. And he received Novel Prize for ‘Gitanjali’ in the year 1913.

Honestly speaking on my blog today I won’t write what everyone knows or can read about him. This is my blog so today I will write what I truly feel, what I truly think about him.

I had read about him since my childhood. My Grandpa used to say one cannot finish reading his works during his/her whole lifetime. Of course he had written a lot. I somehow could feel whatever he might have felt during writing either a sad poetry or a love poem.

Many bengali people in India love him but some hate him. I remember, last year a renowned camera person from a renowned channel told me there’s no point in loving that man’s work because he got whatever he had because he was born in a rich family.

I didn’t respond him, I just smiled. Of course I could have argued with him because I have read him since my childhood. But I couldn’t make him understand what I exactly feel about Rabindranath Tagore.

If any artist is reading this then my question to you would be, have you seen Rabindranath Tagore’s old age photograph? If yes have you looked deep into his eyes? What do you see?

It is said that eyes of a human reflects everything about that person, I am not sure about others but about Rabindranath Tagore it was applicable. His emotions would be easily understandable from him eyes. I personally avoid looking in his eyes of his picture. Do you know what I see?

He might have recieved everything a man ever wants or wanted but his eyes says he was in agony, in deep pain which he couldn’t share with anyone. His eyes say he wanted peace. His eyes depict, only if he could turn over the time.

There are many portraits about him. Many people draw about him. I only sketched once about him because I can’t draw those eyes. I can’t draw that pain, that hurt. I can’t. I only sketched about him once in my lifetime but for me that was worse because I felt like thousands of knives were hitting me.

I have never seen him but I feel like as if I have known him since ages. May be it’s common.

Many “FAMOUS” people would say ,”Ah, that’s very normal”, if I share my true feelings about what I feel about Rabindranath Tagore. But my question is do you feel connected to him like I do? Do you feel like you have known him always like I do? Do you?

Honestly speaking he isn’t my favourite writer or poet or painter but still I love reading his works. This reminds me of one more incident in 2017 while I was working as a journalist, my senior asked me about one of the phrases of Rabindranath Tagore’s work “Ghore Baire”, a lady who sort of hated me commented, “How would she know about it? You asked the wrong person”, and she chuckled. My senior knowing me well then told her, “Why don’t you answer it then”, she didn’t have any answer to it. I simply completed the phrase and told him the other required details and left the room.

You know I didn’t feel victorious that day because she couldn’t answer it and I knew about it. I was extremely hurt because I can’t portray my feelings.

I know whoever reads it might feel it boring because for the very first time ever I have revealed this side of me but one thing I would say Rabindranath Tagore was really a great man. Not because I know it but because I feel it.

A quote by him, “Who are you, reader, reading my poems an hundred years hence? I cannot send you one single flower from this wealth of the spring, one single streak of gold from yonder clouds. Open your doors and look abroad. From your blossoming garden gather fragrant memories of the vanished flowers of an hundred years before. In the joy of your heart may you feel the living joy that sang one spring morning, sending its glad voice across an hundred years.”

That’s all for today.

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Depression

It is a common word now a days. Someone is less depressed someone is badly depressed. Sometimes it is easy to understand that a person is in depression but sometimes it is not.

You might see a person daily waking up, behaving normally, smiling, working for the entire day and then having a sleepless night. It is because people who are deeply depressed but don’t want to share their issues decide not to open or can’t open up.

These people who can’t open up and are scattered from inside and are dying inside everyday.

There are 9 easy ways to detect if someone is depressed:

1) They behave unnatural. That is, they hide their feelings.

2) If you ask them how are their response would be ‘neither good,nor bad’ or something confusing.

3) They prefer to keep themselves extremely busy.

4) They get angry easily.

5) Their unnecessary risky behavior or decisions.

6) They are unable to think clearly

7) Unable to concentrate. Or unable to do things which they once loved to do.

8) They can’t sleep.

9) And lastly, They prefer to be left alone.

Depression can hamper your mental peace from inside. It kills you slowly and you start giving on. This sometimes may lead to suicide as well.

But yes this is not the end. People in depression can get rid of it by themselves. I personally would suggest 8 solutions that helped me to get out of a deep depression.

Yes, once upon a time I was also depressed. I started giving up slowly. I became suicidal I was tired of life. I was dying everyday. But one fine morning I told myself, “No, why the hell should I give up. This life is worth living for”, and then I did these things and I am doing great today.

1) Set a routine for yourself. I know it sounds tough but there’s nothing one can’t do. If you get accustomed in a routine, trust me you can overcome depression.

2) Set a Goal for yourself. When a person is in depression they may not feel like doing anything or even if they do they don’t do it wholeheartedly. So if you set a goal for yourself you can achieve it step by step. That’s what my friend is another step to overcome depression.

3) Exercise everyday. I know it might be tough of people who don’t prefer exercising but it helps. Join a gym. Work hard. You can feel depression leaving you along with your sweat.

4) You need to eat healthy food. I hated eating when I was depressed it caused me anroxia but once I forced myself to eat and that too healthy food, firstly I hated it but later on I must say it helped me.

5) You need to sleep. Having amnesia is different but when a person is badly depressed they have a sleepless night. You need to overcome it. It will be a a forcible step but you have to do it to recover from depression.

6) Negative thoughts will cross your mind by default,but force yourself to think positive. If you can’t on youtube there are many trances which you can listen which will help you.

A) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=txQ6t4yPIM0

B) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kxRRuM99yg0

C) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xWpdsx9WZq4

D) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0yMZ-04ud_Q

Try listening to these. They help a lot.

7) Travel, go out. Though you might not like it bit force yourself to do it. You will feel light. You will feel better

8) Lastly, read. Reading good books will help you alot.

People depression is worse. Try to get out of it for your own self or if you see someone with the problems I have stated above, help them to get out of it.

Let your pain go away and live a happy peaceful life.

Take care.

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Madly in Love

She wasn’t afraid of his possessiveness… She enjoyed it… But what he didn’t know was, that it was his mistake to make her believe that she was his life..
As he never knew that she was mentally sick… And his life would b a living mess if he ever left her nd looked at some other…

Sketch by: Deserted_Queen/Entity

© Monidipa Dutta

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Harmful Love

He wanted to make her life colourful, but he didn’t realize while making her colourful he was ruining colors from his life. By the time he realized it, all the colours from his life was gone.
Because She always believed in one thing, “Love the one whom you can control, when love starts controlling you DESTROY IT”.

instagram and wattpad: Deserted_Queen

© Monidipa Dutta

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