He hugged me and slept while I was working on my laptop. He looked peaceful. I have known him for 3 years now, he knows I am not potential enough to love him, I am not capable of any relationship because…. but still he is there. He has always been there. Of course we had ups and downs but still, he had never left my side. He knew I do not like anyone touching me because of my own reasons but he never tried anything with me. He is a man, he has his need but still he had always been so patient with me. I wonder why and how.
I poured myself a drink and sat in the drawing room while working on my iPad, I didn’t notice when he came there. He: What are you working on?
Me: Just going through a new business deal contract.
He: Umm ok. Your eyes look blank. You seem stressed about something.
Me: Hun, I think we should end it.
He: End what?
Me: This.. this whatever is going on between us.
He: You are not yet committed to me yet u want to end it…
Me: I’m serious. You deserve better and I don’t think I am the one. We are good friends and will always be.
He: Did you just friendzone me?
He: This is the 3rd time u are pushing me away before trying. What is the reason this time?
Me: I am no more the same person. I have gained weight. I don’t look pretty anymore. I just don’t think you should waste your time on me.
He: Okay. What makes you think all these? 🤔
She: Have you seen yourself? You’re so freaking handsome, girls drool at you and me I am a f***ing whale. I seriously think you should run after some other chick.
He: 😂😂 Who have filled your head with all these stuff this time?
Me: No one. Don’t you see there is a hell and heaven difference between us?
He: Okay, have you realized that you have developed inferiority complex?
Me: I don’t have any complex, you are just ignoring the truth.
He: What if I say that you had ignored the truth when you stood up for me? What if I say that when everyone said and blamed me you stood up for me because you were blind to the truth. What if I say that whatever I was blamed for was true?
Me: I don’t care what you feel about your self. I know you weren’t wrong. And you can’t change my thought for you.
He: Exactly, if I can’t change what you think of me then what makes you think you can change my thoughts for you?
Me: I don’t want to change your thoughts I just stated the fact in both the cases.
He: Ok. Tell me something, what is beauty according to you?
Me: I don’t know.
He: Is beauty according to you showing off your body parts? Or being beautiful means having a flat tummy and white complexion?
Me: I don’t know. You shouldn’t come down to my country to visit me.
He: Ok. But you need to tell me what beauty is, else this time I am not letting you go.
Me: Just LEAVE ME ALONE
I screamed. I never scream. I behaved badly. I instantly felt bad but instead of apologizing I ran out.
I didn’t know what to say or think. Have I seriously developed inferiority complex? But his question was valid what is beauty according to me? I sat on my balcony chair for hours. I was unsure of my feelings. I felt bad. I felt sad. But I did not know why exactly was I feeling sad.
That evening he tried to talk to me but I ignored him. Before going off to bed I told him, “please go back as soon as possible from here because nothing is going to happen between us. I’m sorry for wasting your time but I truly think you deserve better.” He didn’t answer anything to me, I could see the sadness in his eyes but I knew whatever I was doing was good for him. And within months he will forget me and move on.
Next day he woke up before me. He didn’t wake me up. By the time I woke up he had left. His bag, his clothes nothing was there. I knew he was gone. I could feel he was gone. As I went to the kitchen to get coffee for myself I saw a note stuck on the refrigerator, which said.”You are beautiful because you make others feel happy. You care for others more than yourself. Real beauty comes from the kind of person you are, the choices you make and how you treat other people. I know you were talking about your outer beauty and I truly don’t know who has filled your head with what but one thing I know that is you will realize where you have gone wrong. And when you realize it you will find me waiting for you. You know where to find me”
15th March 2019: It has been 5 months since he had gone. Many things have changed since then. Yes, he was right my head was filled up. I believed someone whom I didn’t know was an old friends’ ex-girlfriend. By the time I realized what was going on with me I had lost my self-confidence and already had 2 panic attacks. But out of all these 1 good thing happened, I had a weight loss of 12 pounds. But yes I had also learnt that I should not take anyone’s words seriously. Not everybody cares honestly about you. Some are hypocrites too. I should have learnt this lesson in August 2018 but I did not as I still believed that still there is goodness on earth. Had I not learnt this lesson this time I would have lost myself completely.
Date 11th April: I finally got guts to go and meet him. My flight is at 8pm from John F. Kennedy International Airport. I know he was always right. And I know where to find him. I will not push him away anymore because may be I do not love him but he loves me and he is all I have. This time I will be happy and I won’t let him go anymore.
Disclaimer: All the paintings and artwork are my own and is copyrighted. It is not up for sale.